Feather,Rock,Truck...

No matter how good a day is- there's always a bad day waiting around the corner when you have a broken heart. Then a good day.... then another bad..and so on.
I can't predict which emotion today will bring. I'm out of control of my own feelings.

I.have.no.control

I've been staring at that sentence for about 4 hours now. No. Control. it's ok to not have control isn't it? it's ok if i say it's ok. right ?

I learnt something during a workshop a few weeks ago that i think we all know anyway- but hearing it out loud made me sit, listen, and take it in. It made so much sense to me.

In life you will get "feathers" little warnings or messages to take notice of, as humans we will ignore the feathers, disregard them as not important. 
Then we get "rocks". Rocks will come with more force than the feathers - a little more annoying than the feather, but in a busy lifestyle they will not seam important, and are easily ignored.
The next natural progression is the "trucks". Trucks are the end. They are as serious as the moment will get- and frankly un-ignorable. 

I got my truck 3 weeks ago. 9th November 2012. It was my 6th year anniversary of meeting my soul mate. We'd been married 13 months & 1 day.

I.had.no.control

The feathers had come and gone, the rocks had been thrown. All that was left was the truck and it had arrived. "without warning".

It's the interesting thing about trucks... they do come with warning. I'd chosen to ignore or forgive the warnings, cause generally life is ok. Why rock the boat? I have love, I give and receive it. I have plans for the future. 

Every things ok ...right?

Wrong.

Everything that's happened since the truck arrived has been an emotional and physical toll. I'm not sure how to feel in control again, or even if i ever will.

Will i ever feel like i have taken the power back you stole?

I will promise myself to look out for the feathers from this point on, because trucks are to hard to deal with.

So what's next?

Feelings....

Feel, caress, be aware of, explore, be convinced, believe, appear, resemble, consider, sense, bleed for, try, test, endure, enjoy, have, finish, surface, fancy, desire, pity, vibes, grope, fumble, finger, paw, strike, air, ambiance, quality, impression, feeling.... (Sorce -The Collins thesaurus)

Every feeling, every emotion, every movement is with great purpose right now. 

I'm walking through liquid, sticky, unsteady Marshmallow with a dense fog hanging above.

I feel sad

I feel overwhelmed

I feel unsure

I feel like the future holds something wonderful

I feel like my chest is so heavy i will fall over

I feel like I've run out of tears, and then they flow

I feel guilt for the moments when I feel happy, glad, when I Laugh/smile or in a moment of optimism

I feel honest with others, but not myself.

I feel lonely, when I'm in a room full of people

I feel proud of my self, often but not always

I feel robbed of an oppourtunity to change

I feel like i had the opportunity to change but i ignored it

I feel healthier than i did 6 months ago

I feel empowered  (some days)

I feel lost
                                                                                              
I feel heart-broken

I feel defeated

I feel guilty for my past

I feel ownership of my mistakes

I feel exhausted

I feel grateful for friendships, near and far

I feel .... and it hurts